(SPOILER: Because it isn’t about you.)
Have you ever had that really awkward moment when someone is telling you about their experience in life and you can’t relate? But more than can’t relate, you feel guilty because of your own version of that experience. I have some great news for you – you don’t need to feel awkward anymore!
Because it’s not about you. 😊
Let’s say, we both hiked the same trail. You got to do yours with ropes, grappling hooks – you even get a map. The only equipment I was given was a pair of heels, no pockets in any of my clothes and a copy of “The Secret” (you know – because if I wish for it really hard, it’ll happen). I also have a lot more road blocks than you.
For example, you got to pass the bridge without needing to prove that you’re allowed to hike the trail, spending hours answering a series of riddles before ultimately needing to either pay a massive toll or needing to take the long way around.
You have no idea what my hike was like, you assume I had all the same equipment as you did and are very confused as to why I show up three months later with a broken leg. I must have done it wrong, been careless or didn’t know how to use the equipment properly.
Imagine that I’m explaining my experience of that hike to you. Well now you feel like garbage for everything you thought and said – perhaps even ashamed. When we feel ashamed we start to feel defensive because we suddenly feel like we’re being told we’re bad people. We might even think “But I worked hard to get to where I am, I also suffer – why does that not matter?”
It does, but (for the people in the back this time) It’s not about you.
No one is downplaying your suffering or trying to take away from your achievements – of course your hike was hard. All hikes are hard, that’s just how life is. But. They’re a far sight easier when you have the right tools and don’t have people actively putting roadblocks in your way.
The fact of the matter is you don’t realise that despite your tools being really basic, you still have them. That is what this conversation is about. You’re pointing out the flaws of your gear, and how that guy over there has even better tools than you do and so it’s a miracle you got to where you are – I mean look at your shoes! They have no support.
We are trying to tell you that we do not have shoes.
Does that mean you now need to go on a self-flagellating hike with no shoes? No. I don’t want to take away the things you have, I just want to have access to them too. I want my experience to matter too. The fact my leg is broken and I’m on crutches is not your fault and I’m not asking you to feel bad for what you have access to, but I am asking you to recognise you have access to more than me. That your hike was easier because of your equipment.
Remember when I said I have great news for you? I didn’t mean that you wouldn’t feel uncomfortable by this experience anymore. You absolutely will.
But that’s a good thing! Feeling uncomfortable by that comparison makes you realise it’s not fair and it feels worse because it’s not fair in your favour. Which makes you feel responsible – and who wants to be responsible for other people’s suffering?
Move past that feeling because no one is asking for an apology or pity, or even to single-handedly fix the problem – they’re simply asking that you recognize that there is a problem.
That’s all. When you’re confronted with your own privilege – acknowledge it. By denying it, pretending it doesn’t exist, you say that my experiences also don’t exist and that my struggles don’t matter. No one is asking for you to apologise for your existence – they’re asking you to see theirs.
So the next time someone different to you is taking that first difficult step to show you what their experience of life is – remember it’s not about shaming you, it’s about seeing them.
Because reasons 