Forays into the article archive – Androgel: The Ad from Hell

“It was low testosterone – not age”. Sure it was.

 

Losing energy, becoming moody and finding substance in the scripts of “True Blood” and “Twilight” are signs that you might be suffering from low testosterone levels. Or that you have turned into a 16-year old girl going through puberty. Either way – you should really see someone about that.

Wipe the tears from your eyes and turn off the vampire love stories because Androgel could be the answer to all of your worries. After 5 seconds of watching the advert I was pretty much sold – and I don’t even need extra testosterone! Who can argue with the All American man and ‘murican made convertible muscle car driving down a sunlit dusty highway?

Androgel – the 1.62% (because if math taught me anything, it was the power of a decimal point) topical gel. Applied to shoulders, upper arms or abdomen, the gel is absorbed into the skin giving you the extra bit of pep you’ve been looking for. Be warned, hands must be washed thoroughly as, and I quote, this must not “come into contact with women and children”. Brilliant. So dose yourself up, get a little spring in your step – and then don’t even think of touching your wife as you may give her cancer.

It is a self proclaimed “honest” drug commercial, and I have to admit I couldn’t agree more. The advert is 1:31 minutes long with about 10 seconds of that being devoted to I-can-relate-to-that symptoms of low “T” levels, to get your weepy eyed attention as you’re sobbing on the sofa, then probably about another 20 seconds on what the product is (“So I don’t have to shove it into an orifice or eat it? Already sounds good!”).

After it’s pulled you in with the good looking older man and his young beautiful wife – you know, because he’s so virile – the rest of the commercial is spent listing the adverse effects on women and children (“Well, when my “T” is back I can get new ones”) all whilst you watch the couple driving down the road, playing some golf and other fun things you can only do when hyped up on testosterone. Because when your wife or child is experiencing abnormal breast pain & swelling, could potentially miscarry and/or may get cancer, mini golf is the answer. Who am I kidding – mini golf is always the answer.

By the time it starts listing the adverse effects it can have on you, your balding wobbly frame is already half way to the door with your credit card extended to sign up for a life time supply.

So if you’re alright with a bit of “change in sexual desire” or “change in skin colour” not to mention hair loss, “frequent, prolonged, or bothersome erections” then look no further.

Androgel ads – placating aging men since 2014.

Could pee be the answer to our energy crisis?

We really got nothing to lose at this point.

Ah the wonders of pee. There is pretty much nothing it can’t do. In concentrated forms, it can soothe jelly fish stings, during World War I they used widdle-soaked rags to combat chlorine gas attacks and, according to my ex, it’s a great facial moisturiser. Don’t worry, I looked it up first. Apparently he didn’t lie about everything. Just our relationship.

It can now add “phone charger” to its impressive list of accomplishments. Now, when you’re half way through an episode of Game of Thrones and you’re playing chicken with your battery life, you no longer have to look at the tracks of the upcoming tube as a reasonable response to your phone dying. You can pee on it!

Sponsored by the Engineering and Physical Sciences Research Council and the Gates Foundation (because Bill seems to have an affinity for funding the applications of technology for the more kinky aspects of our lives) researchers from The University of West England have developed a fuel cell that runs off of your pee. Because when in doubt, obviously, pee on it.

The microbial fuel cell (MFC) is full of a specially-grown bacteria that, in layman’s terms, poop electricity. Feeding off of organic matter (e.g. your wee), their metabolic process produces electrons (e.g. poop.) which creates a very small electric charge. After this tiny charge has been produced by our urine hungry little bacteria it’s stored in a capacitor to charge your electronic items.

Now for the more kinky of you already casting sideways glances at the top drawer in their bedside table and thinking they can kill two birds with one stone, unfortunately the amount of electricity produced by the cells are quite small. Despite being the size of car battery, they only produce enough electricity to charge a Samsung for one phone call. Which may be all you need if you’re stuck in a prison cell with a large, burly man giving you bedroom eyes.

Dr Ioannis Ieropoulos, an engineer (with the most amazing name ever) at the robotics lab where the fuel cells were developed, said “No one has harnessed power from urine to do this so it’s an exciting discovery.” Insisting that the best feature of the cell is “that we are not relying on the erratic nature of the wind or the sun; we are actually reusing waste to create energy.”

With the current advancements of technology the possibilities for this are endless, according to Dr Ieropoulos “The fuel cells we have used to charge a mobile phone with hold around 50ml of urine but the smallest we have had working in the laboratory hold 1ml, so we can make them a lot smaller. Our aim is to have something that can be carried around easily.”

And with the prospect of each fuel cell only costing £1 to produce it could solve a number of energy crisis fears. Cheap, reliable (depending on how hydrated you are), an efficient way of getting rid of waste and portable. And the added bonus of being an interesting party trick.

 

Female Masturbation – Coming to an app store near you

A socially acceptable way of playing with yourself in public.

Women masturbate.

I might get kicked out of the club now for letting one of our most prized secrets slip but hey, we do. We masturbate and we poop and do all kinds of other stuff that guys do too. We watch porn, without you, and, you may want to brace yourself, some girls actually like it.

So why, for something perfectly natural not to mention fun, men get to have all the glory and women have to hide behind scented candles and bubble bath? Well like most other things in our lives, one woman has decided it’s time to formally organise this little past-time. Thanks to Tina Gong you now have an app that will show you how it’s done. Men name their bits and give them little personalities, woman apparently make an animated versions of theirs that offer tips and encouragement. Different strokes aye? Literally, as the case may be.

You can now play fun little mini-games to learn more about female masturbation from techniques to lessons on the female anatomy. Not only this it also gives you handy little factoids, for example, did you know that 46.6% of women masturbate less than once a month every year? “Gals, you can do better!” cries an animated vagina, which is both hilarious and mildly terrifying at the same time.

Gong’s aim isn’t to make the commuters around you feel even more awkward whilst you enjoy your new favourite game on the way to and from work (a lesson in ‘right time, right place’ if there ever was one) but more to address the stigma surrounding female sexuality. Let’s face it, we might have the vote and slowly breaking the glass ceiling, hell we’re even allowed to fart sometimes, but god forbid girls enjoy a little alone time like their male counterparts. In a situation that isn’t filmed under the title “Millie’s naughty afternoon alone”.

Taken through a journey of the female anatomy as well as playing games (greeted with an enthusiastic “Oh my, I’m getting hot and bothered” when you’re ‘winning’) by the happiest little vag you’ll ever see. Because nothing makes an awkward idea better than turning it into a cartoon; a cartoon that looks like a tiny little clitoral geisha.

The app itself is designed to break the ice in a user-friendly way, through the use of games, cartoons and attempts to turn something taboo into a more manageable and fun learning process. If you’re playing a game that is pretty awesome you’re going to talk about it and share it with friends. So what if the principle protagonist happens to be a vagina?

 

You have to hand it to Gong (perhaps not literally) it’s not hard to see the benefits, teaching adolescents, both male and female, to accept a very normal part of growing up in an informed and fun way and doing so in such an accessible format. Or you could encourage your ex to download it.