Recognising privilege is not designed to shame you.

(SPOILER: Because it isn’t about you.)

Have you ever had that really awkward moment when someone is telling you about their experience in life and you can’t relate? But more than can’t relate, you feel guilty because of your own version of that experience. I have some great news for you – you don’t need to feel awkward anymore!

Because it’s not about you. 😊

Rainbows soften the blow right?

Let’s say, we both hiked the same trail. You got to do yours with ropes, grappling hooks – you even get a map. The only equipment I was given was a pair of heels, no pockets in any of my clothes and a copy of “The Secret” (you know – because if I wish for it really hard, it’ll happen). I also have a lot more road blocks than you.

For example, you got to pass the bridge without needing to prove that you’re allowed to hike the trail, spending hours answering a series of riddles before ultimately needing to either pay a massive toll or needing to take the long way around. 

You can’t see it but there is a troll about to push me off.

You have no idea what my hike was like, you assume I had all the same equipment as you did and are very confused as to why I show up three months later with a broken leg. I must have done it wrong, been careless or didn’t know how to use the equipment properly.

Imagine that I’m explaining my experience of that hike to you. Well now you feel like garbage for everything you thought and said – perhaps even ashamed. When we feel ashamed we start to feel defensive because we suddenly feel like we’re being told we’re bad people. We might even think  “But I worked hard to get to where I am, I also suffer – why does that not matter?”

It does, but (for the people in the back this time) It’s not about you.

No one is downplaying your suffering or trying to take away from your achievements – of course your hike was hard. All hikes are hard, that’s just how life is. But. They’re a far sight easier when you have the right tools and don’t have people actively putting roadblocks in your way.

The fact of the matter is you don’t realise that despite your tools being really basic, you still have them. That is what this conversation is about. You’re pointing out the flaws of your gear, and how that guy over there has even better tools than you do and so it’s a miracle you got to where you are – I mean look at your shoes! They have no support.

We are trying to tell you that we do not have shoes.

It’s about not having the things you don’t even realise you have.

Does that mean you now need to go on a self-flagellating hike with no shoes? No. I don’t want to take away the things you have, I just want to have access to them too. I want my experience to matter too. The fact my leg is broken and I’m on crutches is not your fault and I’m not asking you to feel bad for what you have access to, but I am asking you to recognise you have access to more than me. That your hike was easier because of your equipment.

Remember when I said I have great news for you? I didn’t mean that you wouldn’t feel uncomfortable by this experience anymore. You absolutely will.

dis is uncomfortable

But that’s a good thing! Feeling uncomfortable by that comparison makes you realise it’s not fair and it feels worse because it’s not fair in your favour. Which makes you feel responsible – and who wants to be responsible for other people’s suffering?

Move past that feeling because no one is asking for an apology or pity, or even to single-handedly fix the problem – they’re simply asking that you recognize that there is a problem.

That’s all. When you’re confronted with your own privilege – acknowledge it. By denying it, pretending it doesn’t exist, you say that my experiences also don’t exist and that my struggles don’t matter. No one is asking for you to apologise for your existence – they’re asking you to see theirs.

So the next time someone different to you is taking that first difficult step to show you what their experience of life is – remember it’s not about shaming you, it’s about seeing them.

Reasons why men should pay for things

Before all the men roll their eyes and call me a “Femi-nazi”, and all the independent I-don’t-need-a-man-to-make-me-whole women label me ‘princess’ and ship me off to Sea World in a box marked ‘Shark Bait’ – hear me out.

I recently found a job, which is great, but I’m painfully broke, which is not so great. Much to my disappointment, they don’t pay you simply for turning up on your first day and I need to wait until the end of the month before I can start reaping the benefits of being employed; all whilst I still need to go shopping and, you know, live.

Shopping when you have money and when you don’t are two very different experiences. One has you playing fast and loose with your basket, picking up mozzarella because you might fancy it on Wednesday, you might not, but that’s just how you roll because you’re a Maverick. The other has your “spree” turning into a military precise shop with a very specific list of carefully chosen “essentials”.

I was currently on the latter. And I have to tell you – I found things were more expensive than I remembered. I’d go so far as to say I was mildly taken aback by some of the discrepancies I found.

Morrisons (which was where I was shopping at the time)

– Women’s razors:

Generic “value” razors = £1

– Men’s razors :

Generic “value” razors = £1

I know. You might be thinking “and?”

I did too, I thought “oh hey, well at least there’s this”. Until I looked closer.

Women: £1 for a pack of five.

Men: £1 for a pack of ten. 

… Sorry what?

Okay. Maybe that was just a fluke.

– Women’s cream:

This time I used Nivea as the control brand.

Nivea Cream Care for Women = £3

– Men’s cream:

Nivea Cream Care for Men = £2

Leaving my actual shopping basket to the wayside, I started looking at everything that had “male” and “female” versions and the winner for more expensive always seemed to end up in the female court. Hey ladies – quit your whining, at least we’re winning something.

In fact, there’s a whole referendum in place just about tampons. They’re referred to as “Non-essential” and “luxury items” by the HMRC and are now taxed at 5% *.

*As an update to this – the tax has now been removed – however I’m continuing what I wanted to say about this (a year ago.. what? so it took me a while to get around to posting. So much so the freakin’ law has changed..) because it is still relevant to how women are viewed, the tax still exists in other countries and, more importantly, it is not just menstrual items that are taxed at 5%..

Non-essential? or more laughable – luxury? It’s lumped in with “edible flowers” and “exotic meats”.  I know at least half the population do not have periods so let me be the first to inform you there are definitely no edible flowers or exotic meats involved in this process. I’m, also, not going out swimming and joyfully eating salad, as the Always ad’s seem to insinuate. I’m more likely sitting in a dark room with something warm wrapped around my abdomen, rocking back and forth muttering and longing for the sweet peace of unconsciousness.

Non- essential. Well of course, It’s not like I really need them or anything. It’s not like once a month I run the risk of turning my white trousers into the Japanese flag because I sat down for too long. Not at all.

I’m just making a fuss so people will give me chocolate. Obviously.

Not so chuffed about your pink Venus Lady Razor now are you? (To avoid a libel suit, other brands are available. And they are just as expensive.)

I did some background reading, out of curiosity and found that I had missed out on a whole movement in regards to female tax. Apparently I’m not the only one who was outraged at the fact that because I have ovaries I’m destined to pay at least £1 more than my testicular-ly engineered counterparts. Doesn’t sound like much but it ends up working out to about £500,000 extra a year. Clearly I had missed out on a mass media uproar about my lady products!

As far as the argument goes, it’s true – women don’t have to buy the ridiculously gendered products. I have to admit, I just use men’s razors. It doesn’t bother me which gender the razor I use is intended for, what bothers me is that anything aimed at women (hair products, facial products, even dry cleaning apparently) is decidedly more expensive to the point of exploitation. Just because I’m in a target market group that likes to smell like 12 different types of coconut whilst remaining completely hairless as I’m doing it doesn’t mean that should be taken advantage of so blatantly. And, frankly speaking, that target market isn’t just made up of women.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand brands can be expensive, but what I’m talking about is the fact that, from a government point of view, I live in a society where it’s okay to charge me a few quid extra because either I a) don’t pay enough attention or b) will pay for it regardless because my definition of “non-essential” is clearly different to yours. That I don’t matter. My demographic still isn’t looked at like a functioning limb – my demographic is an appendix. Not quite sure what to do with it or what it does, seems pretty harmless and useless until it explodes and kills you for unbeknownst reasons. My demographic is labelled either passively benign or explosively dangerous.

Should I forgo buying the products that are aimed at my gender and opt for the slightly less coconut-ty, rugged “boy” products? Or should I pay a price equivalent to the soul of my first born purely because, as far as I can tell, it comes in more colour and fragrance options?

So all in all, guys, I’m sorry about this but you’re going to have to start paying for me when we go out because apparently I’m spending all my money on non-essential razors and tampons.

Deal with it.